WHY?

by Robin

I barely bare my soul here anymore.  I use to contemplate deep things and write long stories.  Mostly, I keep it short and sweet.  Not sure if the NSA is reading my every word.  But tonight, will be different.

Sometimes I don't understand God's plan.  I pray and pray.  I need a massive dose of revelation.  Instead, God gives me bits and pieces of answers to other, lesser things.  Why do I continue in the mysterious fog?  Why wouldn't God reveal every last detail of His calling to me?

God's timing.  I know it is perfect.  He reveals things only in His timing.  I think about Joseph and Mary.  Suppose God had revealed the entire plan of Jesus' life on the very first dream.  Maybe it would have been too much for them.  I would have been for me.  What if Joseph knew that being in jail for years was part of the plan in order for his father and brothers to bow down to him. I wonder how many times Noah questioned why he was to build an ark when he'd never seen the first rain drop.  And how many steps did Isaac take knowing that he was the sacrificial offering for his father, Abraham?  And he still walked on in complete obedience. Why?

These are heroes in the faith for me.  People who had calling and did not always understand where God was taking them.  I think it was the prophet Jeremiah who preached and preached and never saw one person who come to know God as Almighty Father.  No repentance.  No personal reflection.  No amen in his finer points of the sermon.  How did he continue week after week, year after year.

Why?  Why does God put His faithful followers through the test of personal suffering, confusion, and misunderstanding.  Why does the cross we carry seem heavier with every step instead of looking like a massive success story for the Prosperity Gospel?  Why?

I have such strong emotions with this particular ministry.  I love it and want to bless such a “thirsty” people group and yet, it has so many headaches too.  I love people but I’m not very good with dealing with people.   I’m particularly fast to put my walls up and find peace in my own corner, sucking on my own thumb with my blankie covering my legs.  Sometimes I feel like I am such the wrong person for the job. 

I know God called me.  That’s all I know.  I don’t know why.  But, He did.  I don't know if I'll ever see all that God sees with His divine plan.  

Maybe I have to go sulk under a fig tree like Jonah, hating on my ministry until my fig tree dies.  I really do like gardening.  Will I care more for the shade, the fig tree or the people?  

I think I already have my answer.  I will care for others.  I always have, and always will.  I have this strange knack for loving the unlovely and I bleed copious amounts of mercy every where I go. I will continue fighting demonic attacks.  I will fight the good fight until He changes my path.  If my race is over, I will pray that God sees that I did my best to finish the race with excellence.  

But, all I can think of tonight is Why?

Those are my ponderings tonight.

Robin